Escape to Paradise: Guesthouse Kolenti, Portaria, Greece
Okay, buckle up, because this review is gonna be a wild ride. Forget those polished, sterile travel blogs. We're going deep into this place, warts and all (and trust me, there are some warts). Buckle up, because this could be quite a ride… or at least, it was for me! Let's call this place "The Grand What-Have-You" from now on. 😉
SEO & Metadata? Yeah, We'll Get There (Eventually)
First, let's just breathe. Keyword stuffing is evil, but we'll sprinkle some stuff in there, like "accessible," "spa," "restaurant," "wheelchair," "Wi-Fi," "fitness center," "pool," and other things that make Google happy. But the soul is in the words, right? Right?!
The Big Picture (And My Immediate Emotional Reaction)
Okay, so The Grand What-Have-You. My initial feeling? Overwhelmed. Seriously, the sheer volume of amenities listed gave me anxiety. I'm a simple person, I like a comfy bed and a decent cup of coffee. But this place… it promised everything. And honestly, that immediately made me suspicious. Were they trying to be too much? Let's find out, shall we? Let's begin, with the "Accessibility."
Accessibility - The First Hurdle (And a Mixed Bag)
- Wheelchair accessible: This is crucial for so many, and a massive plus if true. I didn't personally use a wheelchair, but I did see ramps and elevators, so credit where it's due. But… (there's always a "but," isn't there?) - the signage. OH. MY. GOD. Finding the elevator felt like a treasure hunt. Seriously, a dedicated accessibility map? Please.
- On-site accessible restaurants / lounges: Again, good on them. I noticed some areas seemed easier than others. The main restaurant was… okay-ish, tables packed quite close - I'm not sure a wheelchair could even navigate between them there. I did see some areas with wider aisles.
- Facilities for disabled guests: Listed, but… I have to assume that the staff were trained and there was some sort of special service, because I never really saw them or utilized the service.
Internet - Because We're All Addicted
- Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!: YES! Praise be! The internet was actually pretty good. But the signal would cut out in the mornings.
- Internet access – LAN: Useless to me. It felt like a relic of a bygone era. Who even has a LAN cable anymore? I was there for a week, and I really needed the internet.
- Wi-Fi in public areas: See above. Generally fine, though the lobby could get a little crowded and therefore slower.
Things to Do (My Head is Spinning)
- Things to do/ ways to relax: OMG. This is where it gets overwhelming. I'll say… I wasn't able to utilize of all of them. I mean, it's like, "Do you want everything?!" I need a lie-down after reading the list.
- Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Massage, Body scrub, Body wrap, Foot bath: Okay, I did indulge in some spa time. The massage was really the only thing that saved me from a complete sensory meltdown.
- Pool with view, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: The outdoor pool was… okay. The view was blocked by a bunch of other buildings, it felt a bit cramped.
- Fitness center, Gym/fitness: The dreaded gym. I peeked in. Standard stuff. More out-of-shape business travelers like myself than fitness freaks, which made me feel slightly less self-conscious.
Cleanliness and Safety - Post-Pandemic Anxiety?
- Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Staff trained in safety protocol…: HOLY CRAP. The level of sanitization was intense. I mean, I appreciated it, but it also felt a little… clinical. Like they were trying to sterilize the fun right out of the place. They did seem to have it down. If you're covid-phobic, this is your Mecca.
- Hand sanitizer, First aid kit, Doctor/nurse on call, Hygiene certification, Sterilizing equipment: All good. Reassuring. Maybe too reassuring?
- Breakfast takeaway service: Nice touch. But who takes a coffee and croissant to-go?
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking - My Stomach’s Guide
- A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant: Okay, so the sheer amount of dining options was staggering. I felt like I was constantly bombarded with choices. The buffet, on the other hand, was like a food warzone. People were aggressive (and I'm not talking about social distancing!) The food itself was decent, not amazing, but not disastrous.
- Room service [24-hour] The room service was my savior. Late-night pizza, anyone? (Don't judge me.)
Services and Conveniences - The Small Surprises
- Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting…: The concierge was a life-saver. Really helpful. The convenience store was ridiculously overpriced, but hey, you gotta have somewhere to buy overpriced snacks at 1 AM. The housekeeping was impeccable and the staff were very polite.
- Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Contactless check-in/out, Elevator, Essential condiments, Food delivery…: The contactless check-in was slick. The a/c in the public areas was a little too efficient - I always felt cold.
- Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center: The outdoor area/terrace was beautiful, but not fully utilized and could have been better managed.
For the Kids - (and the Child in Me)
- Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal: I had no kids with me, but it looked… fine? I saw some screaming children around the pool, and there was a kiddie pool, so… yeah. It was a family-friendly place.
Access - The Basics
- CCTV in common areas, CCTV outside property, Check-in/out [express], Check-in/out [private], Couple's room, Exterior corridor, Fire extinguisher, Front desk [24-hour], Hotel chain, Non-smoking rooms, Pets allowed unavailable, Proposal spot, Room decorations, Safety/security feature, Security [24-hour], Smoke alarms, Soundproof rooms: Standard stuff. Felt very safe. The security was everywhere.
Getting Around - Whee!
- Airport transfer, Bicycle parking, Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site], Car power charging station, Taxi service, Valet parking: I took a taxi. It was fine. Never saw the bike parking. The free parking was a bonus if you have a car.
Available in All Rooms - The Cozy Nest
- Additional toilet, Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens:
- My room? Okay. Not amazing, not terrible. The bed was perfectly comfortable. The black-out curtains were a godsend for sleeping past dawn. The complimentary tea was a nice touch. The bathroom phone, well… I'm not sure I needed it
Alright, buckle up, buttercups! This isn't your glossy-magazine-perfect itinerary. This is real travel, the kind where you spill yogurt on your passport and question all your life choices… but somehow, still manage to have the time of your life. This is the Kolenti Guesthouse, Portaria, Greece, edition:
Day 1: Arrival and the "Are We There Yet?" Saga
- 10:00 AM (or, you know, whenever the flight actually lands): Touchdown in Volos! Holy Zeus, it’s hot. My flight was delayed – naturally. Already I'm feeling the familiar pang of "Why did I think this was a good idea again?" That's the travel blues hitting hard, folks.
- 11:30 AM: Taxi to Portaria. The drive? Stunning. Olive groves, mountains that look like they're posing for the cover of a travel magazine, and… a slightly terrifying hairpin bend. I swear, the taxi driver just looked at me and laughed. I may have squeaked.
- 12:30 PM: Arrive at Guesthouse Kolenti. Okay. This. Is. Gorgeous. The photos online? Seriously undersold this place. Stone walls, flowers spilling out of every window box, and a view that just makes you want to chuck your phone into the void (which, honestly, I may have considered). Check-in was a breeze, though I did nearly trip over a very friendly (and fluffy) cat named Penelope who clearly runs the show around here.
- 1:00 PM: Lunch at the guesthouse cafe. Oh, the food! The Greek salad? Divine. The bread? So good I may have eaten three slices and nearly cried. The house wine? Smooth and dangerous. Note to self: pace yourself, you’re on vacation, not a competitive eating challenge.
- 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Attempt to unpack/collapse on the bed. The room is charmingly rustic, with a balcony facing the valley. The problem? Jet lag and pure, unadulterated tiredness. I think I lasted all of five minutes before I was snoring. Penelope, of course, was judging me from the windowsill.
- 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM: Explore Portaria. The town is cute; really, really cute. Cobblestone streets, shops selling everything from hand-painted ceramics to… well, more ceramics. I tried (and failed) to buy a postcard, I think I was more excited about the ceramic shop than the view. I got lost. Twice. Finally found my way back and rewarded myself with gelato.
- 7:00 PM - onwards: Dinner at a taverna. This is where things got a little… messy. I ordered something (I can't remember what it was called – something ridiculously long and full of cheese) and proceeded to spill half of it down myself. The waiter, bless his heart, just laughed and brought me a bib. We talked for hours. He was a great guy. We talked about everything, from local gossip to the best places to eat a greek salad.
- The Rambling: I’m starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, I’m not the world's most organized traveler. Case in point: I found the perfect souvenir! A tiny, hand-painted ceramic plate of a sheep. I can't wait for my flight home and tell my friends about this place.
- Emotional Verdict: Feeling… good. Exhausted. Blissfully full of Greek food. And strangely, almost completely relaxed. The stress of the flight and the unpacking (which is still only half done) has melted away. This might actually be the best trip I've ever taken.
Day 2: Mountains, Monasteries, and Manicures (Kind Of)
- 9:00 AM: Breakfast at the guesthouse. More bread. More coffee. More Penelope, eyeing my every move. I feel like she's calculating what my tip should be.
- 10:00 AM: Hike to the Monastery of St. John the Baptist. The hike starts off well. The views are incredible. The air is crisp. Then, the hill. Man, is it steep. My legs began to burn, and I may have cursed the name of whoever invented hiking boots.
- Anecdote: Halfway up, I nearly tripped and found myself clinging to a precariously balanced rock, convinced I was about to tumble down the mountain. A kindly old woman, with more energy in her pinky finger than I have in my entire body, helped me up and offered me a shot of something that tasted suspiciously like rocket fuel. It burned, but it also gave me wings.
- 12:00 PM: The monastery itself is beautiful. The peace in this place is palpable. It might be an hour or so before i start to feel peaceful.
- 1:00 PM: Lunch in a local village. The food is awesome, but I definitely ordered more than I could eat - I'm not sure why I do this. I think the hunger hits me as I get older.
- 3:00 PM: Attempted to get a manicure. This quickly descended into chaos. The language barrier, coupled with my terrible attempts at pointing at colours, led to a nail polish disaster of epic proportions. Ended up with bright blue sparkles on one hand and a chipped mess on the other. Hilarious.
- 4:00 PM - 6.00 PM: Siesta time! Or, more accurately, horizontal time. Even Penelope seemed to approve of this plan.
- 7:00 PM: Dinner in Portaria. Tonight, I'm trying to be more civilized. Small portions. No spilling. Wish me luck. After dinner, the village comes alive with the sound of live music and laughter.
Day 3: Embracing the Chaos and the Unexpected
- 9:00 AM: Breakfast. Penelope and I bonded over a mutual appreciation for pastries.
- 10:00 AM: Decided to get lost on purpose. Wandered aimlessly through the village, letting the winding streets and local shops guide me. Ended up in a tiny hidden square, where I stumbled upon a pottery workshop. The owner, an old man with hands stained with clay, taught me how to throw a pot and how to say "Thank You" in Greek.
- 1:00 PM: Lunch
- 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Got back to the guesthouse to edit photos and I might have fallen asleep reading a book. Penelope was there for moral support.
- 7:00 PM: Big dinner in the village with the waiter from my first night. Everything was so good.
Day 4: Departure. With a Promise to Return.
- 9:00 AM: Last Breakfast with the best greek salad I've had in my life.
- 10:00 AM: Said goodbye to Penelope (who didn't seem to mind). Taxi to the airport.
- 12:00 PM: Goodbye portaria.
- Emotional reflection: I left my heart in Portaria. I'll never forget sitting outside in the evening weather, getting to know the locals, the quietness of the mountains. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't the trip I planned, and that's exactly what made it memorable. The people, the food, the messy moments – all perfect in their own way. And, as I watched the Greek landscape fade in the distance, I couldn't help but smile and think of Penelope. I'll be back.
So, like, what *is* this thing all about? (Besides giving me an existential crisis?)
Okay, well, technically, we're supposed to be answering some questions. You know, frequently asked ones. But let's be real, "frequently asked" is a stretch. More like, the stuff swirling around in *my* head at 3 AM after too much coffee. Expect a lot of tangents, probably some rambling, and definitely some questionable opinions. Consider this a mental health check-in, but instead of a therapist, you get me. You have been warned.
Are you, like, a real person? Or a robot pretending to be a person? Because, frankly, I'm still not sure.
Ugh. The eternal question. Look, I can guarantee you, I am *absolutely* human. Or, at least, I *think* I am. I make mistakes. I overthink things. I get hangry. I trip over my own feet while trying to be graceful. I eat way too much chocolate. If that’s not human, I don't want to be right, So, yes, I am human. Probably. Don't worry about it.
How do you handle, you know, *life*? Like, bills and stuff? Because, *yikes*.
Bills. The bane of my existence. Honestly? Badly. I’m pretty sure my bank account is constantly teetering on the edge of a financial cliff. I’ve considered selling my soul, but apparently that's been done. The truth? I create a mental schedule, try to be mindful of spending, and often question my life choices at 3 AM when I have to pay my rent. The best way to cope? Distraction. Lots of Netflix, takeout, and pretending the problem doesn't exist... until it does. Then, panic. Lots of panic.
What's the *worst* thing about getting out of bed in the morning?
THE COLD. Oh, the absolute, soul-crushing cold! Unless you're one of those people who *loves* the morning. You know, chirpy, sun-loving, let's-go-for-a-jog types? I *hate* you. Getting out of bed is a battle. A war against the warm blankets and the siren song of staying in for another 10 minutes. And by the time I finally drag myself up? I'm late, disheveled, and probably wearing mismatched socks. Every single day. But then the coffee kicks in, and at least the world becomes slightly less horrifying.
What's a moment that made you *really* happy? Like, genuinely happy?
Ugh, this is a tough one because my brain is a rollercoaster of emotions. Let me think… Ok, let me tell you about this time I adopted my cat. It was a rescue named Professor Whiskers, and he was a scruffy, one-eyed tabby. The shelter told me he was "difficult" and "doesn't do well with people". But when I got him home... That first night, I was sobbing on my couch, convinced I had made a huge mistake because he was so scared and kept hiding under the couch. I was about to call the shelter to bring him back when he crawled out. He nudged my hand with his head, and then...he hopped onto my lap and purred. The *loudest* purr i had ever heard. That moment, seeing this scruffy, little guy choose me, it felt amazing. I still cry every time I remember it. Not the best moment to type about, as my keyboard is now wet. But the greatest thing ever.
What's the last thing that made you *really* angry? And it better be good.
Oh, the things that make my blood boil are many. Let me get this off my chest. It was a group of people talking loudly on the bus. They were making fun of a movie, which is fine. But they were also littering and being so noisy. It was 7 AM, and I had a splitting headache. I swear, I wanted to scream. I wanted to buy a megaphone and start lecturing them. I am not proud of this, but I wanted to just straight-up flip them off, get them to shut the heck up, or get off the bus. It’s the little things in life, people. The *little* things.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Teleportation. Hands down. Imagine! No more commutes (I repeat: NO. MORE. COMMUTES.). I could be in Paris for lunch, then back home to binge-watch cat videos. Plus, think of the time saved! The possibilities are endless. Or, you know, I could just become a supervillain and steal all the croissants. Okay, now I want a croissant.
What’s something you’re *terrible* at? (Be honest!)
Oh, where do I start? Cooking. Definitely cooking. I'm convinced I could burn water. I once set a microwave on fire trying to make popcorn. Popcorn! I'm also terrible at math. And remembering names. And parallel parking. The list is, sadly, quite extensive.
